Trainer: And side.
Excellent, keep those cores strong.
Three.
Two.
[Liz snores]
Take it side.
And side.
Nice.
Real Estate Agent: This is a classic, pre-war
one bedroom, one bath.
What?
Oh, the cleaning lady is here.
Please come back later.
No Polish.
I live here.
What are you doing?
Oh, haven't you heard?
The building's going condo.
If you're planning on buying, I'm Wendy.
We should talk.
Well, I'm not buying, and they can't just kick me out.
No, they can't, but they can hike your rent up.
Way up.
Let me show you the bedroom.
Trainer: Jack will tell you what to do next.
What?
Man: Thanks, Cindy.
All right.
Now, we're going to work those glutes.
[Knocking]
Hey, do you have a minute?
Good God, Lemon.
Have you seen this?
As I'm sure you've concluded from the headline,
Don Geiss' estranged son, Bertram,
is suing his half sister, Kathy,
for control of the Geiss family trust fund.
They could have done "Geiss-Scream Son-Pay"?
You know, like ice cream sundae.
This makes me sick to my stomach, Lemon.
Don Geiss is my hero.
My mentor.
A great man.
Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking?
He invented that.
I don't think...
And now, he's being publicly humiliated
by his own family.
This is why I'm glad I never had children.
And why I never will.
Oh, Jack, you don't mean that.
Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational segue.
Talk about your thing now.
Okay, well, um, my building is going condo.
And they're trying to drive the renters out?
Are you going to buy your place?
Well, I love my building.
But if I'm going to buy a place,
it should be a big place where I can have a family.
Then, spend some of your Dealbreakers money.
Buy two apartments.
What?
You know why my place is so big?
When I was first married to my ex-wife,
we were in the basement.
Over the years, I kept buying the floors above me
to make room for the family I thought we'd have.
Well, now I have something better than a family.
A walk-in humidor, a lap pool,
and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born.
Well, I'm not rich, Jack.
You're doing okay.
And this could be your dream apartment.
Sniff around your upstairs neighbor.
See if he's planning to leave.
If he's not, make him an offer he can't refuse.
Trademark 1974.
Don Geiss.
What, like, bribe him?
I know this sounds ugly, but with Manhattan real estate,
there are no rules.
It's like check-in at an Italian airport.
[Gasping]
Oh, my God.
Frank, were you going to pee in that jar?
I didn't know anyone was here.
That's what you use the jars for?
You told me that was sun tea.
Some of them are sun tea.
And some of them were sun tea.
Ugh, what do you know about this?
We have a gentleman's agreement.
He gets the jars, and in return, he's agreed
to let a Yale sweatshirt be our designated fart dampener.
What is wrong with you guys?
What would it be like if Cerie and Sue and I were not here?
I'd take my pants off and eat chicken wings.
Shut it down.
Throw away the jars.
Frank: Fine, but I'm going to recycle them.
And then, one day, as you drink some apple juice,
you'll wonder, "Where has this jar been?"
Bertram Geiss: I will fight my sister tooth and nail
to get what I deserve.
Because I, Bertram Geiss, am still Daddy's fancy boy.
Melissa Francis: After the deposition, Kathy Geiss' lawyer
offered this rebuttal.
My name is Teddy Ruxpin.
Can you and I be friends?
Mr. Donaghy, you wanted to see me?
Kenneth, I have a task for you.
Is it menial?
As part of N.B.C.'s annual Green Week initiative,
T.G. S. has to reduce its carbon footprint.
I'm putting you in charge of that effort.
Global warming, sir?
I'm sorry, that's just a bunch of scientist talk.
Same people who'd have you believe
that my great grandfather was a monkey.
If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?
You're preaching to the choir, Kenneth.
I mean, I love the earth.
I have these rare Kadupul blossoms flown in every morning
from Sri Lanka on a private jet.
That's the definition of green.
And yet, they force us to do more.
More sacrifices.
Why?
For the children.
What have children ever done for us?
Well, they make our shoes and wallets.
I need a five percent reduction of energy use across the board.
I'll do it if you insist, sir.
But I'm going to be grumpy until the end of this sentence.
Hi, I'm Liz, and I live right below you.
Oh, my God, I'm Brian.
Come in.
Wow, this place is great.
Isn't it?
New kitchen, original molding,
and I have a view because that dentist blew up his townhouse.
So you going to try and bribe me like the rest of
these yuppie, bottom-feeders?
What?
No!
Bribe, people do that?
Yeah, well, the guy above me offered me $10,000 to move out.
That's a lot.
It's obscene.
This neighborhood used to be real.
Now it's all chain stores and fancy restaurants.
Yeah, we cool people have got to hold our ground,
fight the Man, Michael Moore, et cetera.
Is that a working fireplace?
Yeah, but it... it's kind of annoying.
I can't shut the flue, so the apartment smells like
Burger King all day and Cinnabon all night.
Yeah, I just came up here to make sure you're staying.
Ruining things for those creeps who are trying to
make duplexes for their imaginary children
and their imaginary husband, Astronaut Mike Dexter.
So what's your plan?
I don't know, I'll just figure something out, I guess.
Look, what if we team up?
What do you mean?
I can't afford to stay here on my own.
And based on your shoes and teeth,
I'm guessing you can't, either.
So why don't we move in together?
Uh-huh.
I mean, you'd have to give up your place,
'cause this is the two bedroom.
There's two of them?
Oh!
Is that bad?
Oh, God.
So now you're your own upstairs neighbor,
what's the plan?
Well, I'm going to pretend to move in with Brian,
somehow drive him out, then buy both places
and make my dream apartment.
Wow, that sounds like something I'd come up with
if I was smarter.
I know, I'm terrible, but Brian sucks.
He doesn't have a T.V., and he wears political t-shirts.
Don't feel guilty for a second.
This is Manhattan real estate.
There are no rules.
Like check in at an Italian sex party.
I mean, do you know how long I've been waiting
for the lady next door
to finally join her husband in hell?
Hello, Mrs. Gerstein.
Oh, my heart is getting stronger every day.
Oh, you ancient bitch.
You've already got a foot in the door.
Here's what you're going to do.
Do you remember that horrible roommate
you had back in Chicago?
You mean you?
I know it's my turn to do the dishes.
But I'm in character.
And if you make me do the dishes, I will kill myself!
You drove a lot of guys out of that third bedroom.
Because guys hate drama.
And I'm going to teach you how to be a drama queen.
And if I fail, I'm going to take a bunch of pills,
and it's going to be your fault!
Still got it.
Jack: Oh, Lemon.
I just want to make sure you're not making any jokes
about Don Geiss this week.
Don't worry, Jack.
Our topical cold open is about Omarosa
borrowing Bjork's swan dress.
Tracy?
What's up, Donaghy?
Tracy, Jr., to what do we owe this visit?
It's "Take Your Black Kid to Work Day".
Do you ever regret having children?
Every day.
I thought having a family was going to
be like The Cosby Show.
"Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert."
"Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes."
The Cosby Show was a lie.
Having a family can be the worst.
For example, I have this strip club story from this weekend
I need to tell you, Jackie D.
It is disgusting.
But I can't, because I've got this little D-bag here.
I know what that means.
And yet, you won't tell me.
I've been thinking a lot about family lately.
About my legacy.
I've been watching a friend go through an ordeal with his
children, and it has only affirmed that I was not meant
to have any of my own.
And that I never will.
It's not that simple.
Now what if a girl tries to trap you
like Nicole tried to do to me on the band trip?
Bitches can be tricky.
I'm going to get some strawberry milk.
Tracy Jr. is right.
There's only one way to really take children off the table.
I'm going to get a vasectomy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I mean, that's a big decision.
I mean, having a family is also the best thing a man could...
He's gone.
So my story.
So I'm in the strip club with Charles Barkley
and one of the Hobbits
Hey, Daddy.
Damn it, I can't live like this!
I'm getting a vasectomy too!
Excuse me, Miss Maroney?
Kenneth, I'm doing my Kegels right now, what is it?
Well, I've been put in charge of
reducing T.G.S. 's carbon footprint.
And everyone has to chip in.
Kenneth, I once took a low volume shower with Ed Begley Jr.
What more can I do?
Well, let's see.
Minka Kelly says, "My show is about football.
There is a football team called the Chargers.
Unplug your chargers."
But, Kenneth, I need all of these.
This one is for my cell phone.
This one is for my laptop.
This one is for my erotic massager.
And this one is for something personal.
A vasectomy is a very serious decision.
I want to make sure you've both thought this through.
I have, I've thought about it,
and I've decided I don't want to have children.
Family planning.
And what about you, Tracy?
The Cosby Show lied to me.
I don't think there's a box for that on the form.
Uh, what about "Cheers' lied to me"?
Okay.
Now, for the procedure, you can choose
between local or general anesthesia.
I should warn you that general anesthesia
can cause powerful hallucinations.
So I highly recommend it.
I'll schedule both of you for the morning.
Now, this is surgery,
so don't eat anything before you come in.
Because I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you.
Until tomorrow, gentlemen.
We all see the little black boy in the corner, right?
Okay.
Whoo...
Brian: Hey, Liz.
I made you a mailbox key.
So is that all you have to say to to me?
That's how you apologize?
What, what did I do?
What do you care?
Whatever, Brian, I am over it!
Over what?
It!
Oh, I'm sorry, is it too much drama?
You remind me of my father and my boyfriend!
Ugh, are you listening to me?
Because if you're not, I will put on a wedding dress
and jump in front of a subway!
Honey, you don't need to tell me how much men suck.
Sit down and tell me everything
while I make us raspberry mojitos.
You're gay?
Start from the beginning.
What's this boyfriend's name?
Astronaut Mike Dexter.
Hi, Tracy.
I thought Take Your Black Kid to Work Day was yesterday.
No, it's always a Wednesday.
Brian is gay, Jenna.
The drama did not make him want to move out.
Well, of course not.
Drama is like gay man Gatorade.
It replenishes their electrolytes.
Damn it, he's never going to leave.
Tracy: Trying to get someone to move out?
May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out?
Black person moved in, scared them off.
Huh, that's not a bad idea, Tracy.
I've got a lot of good ideas.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my son to my vasectomy
because The Cosby Show lied to me
and I cannot tell an amazing strip club story.
Dotcom: Okay, let's go.
Miss Lemon, as I'm sure you know, it is Green Week.
And N.B. C...
Oh, brother, are they actually going to do something this year?
Or are they just going to put that stupid green peacock
in the corner of the screen?
Actually, we're reducing T.G.S. 's carbon footprint.
And what you can do, Miss Lemon,
get rid of your office minifridge.
Liz: My mini-fridge?
What about my fresh fruit...
flavored toaster cheesecakes?
Frank: Oh, So I guess you can make other people give stuff up,
But you're too good to make a sacrifice yourself.
Fine, I'll give up my minifridge.
Because, unlike Frank, I am a good and decent person.
Is that my cell phone?
Oh, no, sorry.
It's in my hand.
Count backwards from 10.
Sure, I know how to do that.
You lied to me, Bill Cosby!
You lied to me!
Uh-oh, here comes my hallucination.
[Audience cheers]
Denise? Vanessa?
Sondra, the boring one?
It's your father!
I'm having a Cosby Show hallucination!
[Audience laughs]
Hey, Dad.
Theo, what's going on here?
Did Rudy make a mess with the juicer again?
Vanessa was supposed to be watching her,
and not upstairs gossiping on the phone.
Who are Rudy and Vanessa?
Your adorable sister and your sister.
I don't have any sisters, Dad.
It's just us guys.
And you know how it is when it's just us guys, right?
That's why my life is not like The Cosby Show.
I only have boys.
And boys are disgusting!
I need a baby girl.
[Audience aws]
Don't patronize me!
Stop laughing!
It's not funny!
I need a baby girl!
Don't slit my vas deferens!
Looking things!
Hey, what are you doing home?
Oh, just getting my computer.
Sorry, I forgot you'd be home now, Brian!
[Knocking]
Dotcom: Elizabeth?
I know you're in there!
Oh, no, it's my crazy, black boyfriend,
Astronaut Mike Dexter.
Dotcom: You better not be with a man, even if he's gay!
Liz: Mike, no.
I don't even know why I'm letting you in when
you're in this unreasonable state.
Don't get angry and jealous even though Brian
is the one who convinced me to move on.
I'm going to be coming by all the time, getting jealous,
taking things out of context.
That dude, Brian, would be happier moving out!
Okay, everybody just calm down.
I feel angry!
Like Warren Moon must have felt back in 1995!
As I have told you many times during our relationship,
no one gets that reference.
Oh, Lord!
[Gasping]
N.Y.P.D., stay on the ground!
A gay, hipster cop.
You're an interesting guy, Brian.
[Dotcom groans]
[Whispering]: I'm so sorry.
Jack: Look at this.
The Geiss name used to be synonymous
with success, power, funny incidents
where women died at barbecues.
Now it's being dragged through the mud.
This is why I'm having a vasectomy.
Yeah, but look at that picture.
He had some good times with his kids too.
That junk is priceless.
Well, I'm glad I'm doing this.
Very, very glad.
What are you working on now?
I have to write an essay about my dad for school.
I want the cover to be one of those things
where each letter in his name stands for a word about him.
That's called an acrostic.
An acrostic, cool.
Thanks for teaching me that.
Yes, well, you're welcome.
Uh, maybe I could help you with the grammar.
Why don't you read it to me?
"T" is for terrific.
"R" is for rad.
"A" is for awesome.
"C" 'cause he's my dad.
Damn you, Tracy Jr.
Miss Lemon, your mini-fridge is still in your office.
You made a promise to Masi Oka.
"Conserve electricity.
Don't be a zero.
Be a good guy."
Why doesn't that say "hero"?
That feels like a real missed opportunity.
I don't care.
If I can't have my adult apartment,
I will have my mini-fridge.
Frank: Wow, Liz.
Don't you care about the environment?
Shut up, what do you know about the environment?
Kenneth: Only everything.
[Gasping]
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
the greenest person at T.G.S., Mr. Frank Rossitano.
[Overlapping conversation]
What?
He never wastes anything.
I'v seen him eat food from the trash.
What's a trash barrel but a big salad bowl filled with trash?
He never wastes water by doing his laundry.
This shirt started out white.
Liz: No, do not encourage this.
He pees in jars and leaves them around the office.
That's a health hazard.
Come, let me show you something.
Don't talk to me like that.
You look like a turtle who lost his shell.
Mr. Rossitano has actually been emptying his jars.
Out there.
Liz: He's been pouring them out the window?
Oh, that is...
beautiful.
Kenneth: Miss Lemon, T.G. S. can reach its five percent goal
in one of two ways.
You can give up your mini-fridge.
Or you can let Mr. Rossitano do his Sun Tea System.
Just keep the door closed.
Absolutely not.
Tracy: Wake up, Tracy!
Wake up!
I don't want a vasectomy, Dr. Spaceman.
I need to go back in time.
Why did I sell my DeLorean to Mr. T?
Oh, you'll be fine, Tracy.
I didn't let Leo go through with the vasectomy.
If a patient's friend runs into the operating room
and yells at you, you have to stop.
It's the Doctor's Code.
Jackie D, I need a baby girl!
Maybe one day, our kids will play together.
I didn't have my vasectomy, either.
Tracy, I want to have children.
I want those memories, no matter what the cost.
And I have to pass on this head of hair.
What made you change your mind?
Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.
Well, I hope he makes me an across helmet
so I don't get hurt playing across.
Now come on.
That's pretty solid for a guy who just came out
of a hallucination.
Hey, how did everything go with Dotcom?
Terrible, actually.
Well, what are you going to do now?
I give up.
I can't Jack, Jenna, or Tracy this guy out of the apartment.
I'm out of...
ideas.
Hm.
[Gasping]
I got the apartment!
You did?
How?
He moved out.
And now, it's mine.
You didn't really answer my question.
What?
What did you do?
You didn't.
Manhattan real estate... No rules, right?
Frank: You think I'm disgusting?
I used the Sun Tea System to stop global warming.
You used it to kick a gay cop out of his apartment.
I have no regrets!
No regrets!
Frank: Hey, Tracy.
Now you can tell me your filthy strip club story.
Frank, I'm going to have a daughter.
And I would never tell that story.
It's demeaning to women.
Especially if they've had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.
Good for you, sir.
Did you know that fluorescent light bulbs
last 10 times longer than regular ones?
Yep, and they only use one-quarter of the power.
But if we're going to solve the climate crisis
we've got to change more than the light bulbs and the windows.
We've got to change the laws and the policies.
Through collective political action on a large scale.
You know, there's an old African proverb that I made up.
"If you want to go quickly, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together."
We need to go far, quickly.
Uh, Mr. Vice President?
The snack table isn't going to clean itself.
Look again, Kenneth.
Well, that's not super helpful.
Kenneth, encourage your lawmakers to take action.
And recycle everything.
Including jokes.
I'm sorry, sir, what?
Quiet.
A whale is in trouble.
I have to go.
Sir, I am happy to report
that T.G.S. reduced its carbon footprint by seven percent.
Kenneth, I also want to do my part.
You do?
I may not have children anytime soon
but when I do, I want the Earth here.
That's why I've replaced my wasteful imported flowers
with beautiful azaleas from our very own 30 Rock terrace.
Oh, my.
They're still sprinkled with morning dew, Kenneth.
Smell them.
Smell my flowers, Kenneth.